Category: Love

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ellipses

ellipses

ellipses fluttering like eyelids

      lilted 

words a breeze

skipping beats til letters meet

poetic fingers scrawlin’ w/o      license 

trafficjam      clustered

      fuck 

tickle me right

there 

just my frontal lobe      don’t

write?                  

write 

won’t penalize haste

momentum done gone

      gone      done

drag me along the screen      ellipses 

seams bent  

words pour

      soul soar    

straddlin’ euphoria in the stratosphere

      starsburst

love w/o a label

     

                    

                  

                

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moonglow

dear ——,

i been in chicago a week now. away from you too long. sleeping alone don’t feel like a possibility so i gaze at the pillow beside mine with hopes your beautiful bed of curls blankets it, entraps my mind. let me lose myself between them, let your charm tickle my soul for a second or two before reality nestles beside and rattles me awake. jetlag.

wish the jet lagged behind last week, leaving us perpetually tongue tied. perpetually in love with you, my tongue is a knot i choke on regularly. flustered. not sure what to say after the sun sets, what to do. unable to escape through dreams cause they consist of you.

someone told me fretting sunset i’d miss the moonglow. told em fretting sunset i’d miss the day grow. can’t spend em all with you but i’m convinced tomorrow’s the one we’ll wake together, skin glazed by the heat of our dreams. i find myself in a state of endless perspiration thinking of you. hope you experience the same. probably believe it unbecoming but, —–, mi amor, ain’t nothing more beautiful than a soul set ablaze. left in a craze dazed.

except maybe you. it’s true. mi amor, only you.

yours,

randy

—- redacted.

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Dear —–,

—–. —–. i repeat your name to remind myself what we have ain’t a dream. or maybe it is, manifest in splices of film i’ve crafted throughout the few hours of REM i manage nightly. a reel melted along the inner lining of my eyelids, magic birthing with every blink.

if i blink would you flutter away? —–, butterfly of my heart, tickle my arteries with the fine dust of your wings so i might be fine when they mend and cause you to drift astray. or closer. who knows what´s next? at our best, my mind´s a mess. thoughts of losing you cause my heart to fret.

but you make it smile like i did you that time whispers of beautiful journeyed the slopes of Oeste and spiraled throughout your tympanic membrane. wrinkles setting into the tiny gap between the base of your eyes, the peak of your cheeks. i wish i could nestle myself into them and wait for you to uplift me whenever the world betrays its beauty, watch beams pass through your eyes whenever she shares her light. share yours and i´ll share mine. sensitive to excess radiance, i can´t promise to halt precipitation.

—–. —–. i’ve been told what i speak into existence will come true, so i repeat your name with hopes you´ll find the encampment surrounding my aorta. protecting the flame you kindle in me. release a subtle breath against its embers and watch as the shadow of my soul frolics with yours into the endless night. —–, dance with me til the night don’t end. —–, cater my embers til the camp combusts into an array of fireworks, til our skin comes alight, til l— drowns out the twilight. -o–. how it burns for you. My –v- is true. My —e is you.

curls.

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her curls become sunset when she frolics into the shade and it frightens him. like penultimate Hemingway, he can’t stand to confront the inevitable pain that lies near.

is it over already? the beginning. gold fades to orange like an over-worn oxford. curls wrap her ear like a secret and release the tawny flecks of her irises to overwhelm surrounding skies. your eyes look like sunset.

grins chuckles slices of hand. can’t ignore it. ringlets of fire burn stroma pierce retina. grabs a spool and allows it to spiral his finger. proximity stings but he ignores it. tan and white. bronze & gold.

confusion > pain. four w’s and an h looping his mind like a first kiss. ensnaring it. pops would be ashamed to witness this were he present. never was. he’ll claim unaffected until metaphor becomes reality and the sun don’t set no more cause time will have dipped too. endless time. time endless.

don’t let time end this.

Forever Swimming (Collab Piece)

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Forever Swimming

skin warmed by sun’s mid afternoon kiss

sweat glossing me like dew

birds’ melodies creating an orchestra of spring

wind carrying messages of      you

senses on full alert trying to make each moment a memory

thrust my soul into every embrace so you won’t forget      me

together we’re lost in time the innocence      a dream

daily sins remind us what reality means

eventually the sun’ll set leaving a colorful mirage of       us in the skies

the moon will rise and pull the tides from       your eyes

drifting in ocean currents unknown

afraid to let our hearts be shown

conflicted by history defiant      we seek our own ground amidst the waves

allow the ballads to surf our hearts      leave us in a craze dazed

here we’ll last forever      forever distant forever connected      forever with each other

forever swimming in a love undercover.

Super Classic Forever

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Super Classic Forever

I couldn’t sleep worth shit last night. Had a solid 8.5 hours ahead of me but I couldn’t quite grasp em, could only idle. My eyes body & mind facing the ceiling the wall the window. My mind ain’t cooperate tho, roamed the streets of Madrid like it had somewhere to be. Caught a flight across the Atlantic, transported me to the Chi. W/Adjani Malik Nico. Smiling laughing half-assing hugs choking back tears. I been missing em lately, my people. Our chill sessions of music busted poetry & conversations about leaving the hood, making something real of ourselves. Having stars named after us. Not the ones people trample on, the ones in the sky, emitting a vibrance so exhilarating you can’t help but look up to em.

We tryna shine in this world despite the dirt it constantly dumps atop us. Success ain’t never mirrored us, so we dream aimlessly, lacking a clear path ahead. Sleepwalkers not destined to wake. Lately I’ve felt as tho I’ve woken, finally. Sometimes I become so overwhelmed by that realization, by a particular moment, its grandeur that I tell my mind to halt and remember. Pause the excitement the happiness for a second and remember the nights when the food you eating now ain’t exist, when your friends’ uproarious laughter was a cacophony of Ma’s cries, your stomach’s screams, shootouts on the block, when night walks w/women whose hair resembles the flames they inject in your heart were sprints & scurries down the block, your body jolting whenever a car back-fired tires screeched.

It breaks my heart to think of those days as passed when many continue to experience it daily. My brothers & sisters in the struggle. My brothers & sisters. All of us went through the same shit, some worse than others, but I’m the only one who made it out. For now.

Shame engulfs me whenever I express doubt to my siblings my homies, knowing they wish to be where I am, knowing they don’t believe they’ve got a chance. Apple constantly reminds me how I’m the smart one, how she knew I’d make it out someday. She never references herself Nico or Malik. Ma says the same shit. Makes me feel like shit, like I cheated in some way. Creates wells of my eyes. Currently doing so. Not because the notion of someone believing in me is difficult to fathom, rather because they can’t estimate a similar trajectory for themselves. An enjoyably wholesome life. They anticipated me breaking through the barriers our system bolts into place, probably put their lives on the line to guarantee its success. My success.

Ma certainly did, but I don’t wanna recall that, picture it. I wanna remember the beautiful cream of her skin unbruised, her curls glistening sporadically in the glistening sun, her lustrous smile convincing me all’s good. We aight.

I hate thinking about this shit, sobbing in my room until my eyes feel like they gonna explode, til my head throbs. Muffling yelps for fear someone might hear em and try to counsel me when all I desire is solitude. Crying like someone left forever. Someone did tho, that’s what makes today different. Nipsey Hussle. I read an Instagram post about it at 6 am and my heart sunk. So much of his music gave me hope, made me feel like I could succeed, make it out w/out leaving my people trailing. “Dedication” “Killer” “Victory Lap” “Blue Laces 1 & 2” “Grindin’ all my Life” “Double Up.” Victory Lap‘s super classic forever, can’t nothing change that.

I got Blue Laces 2 on repeat, reminding myself of the irony that is the final verse. Nip talking his homie through death, a story so common it numbs the hearts of everyone he hoped to reach, everyone else not caring from the jump. Man gave back to his hood and got taken from it by it. Shit shatters my heart, leaves the pieces scattered in a minefield. A man who’s come from nothing, who dreams of changing his community, of making life better for his people has only one destiny ahead. Creeping on him since birth. All I can say is it’s unfulfilling, will always end unfinished. Killed at 33, his life was unfinished unfulfilled.

I read about Nip but tried to pretend I hadn’t, tried to shelter the pain w/sleep. Can’t feel the pain you don’t acknowledge. Except the mind don’t work that way. I dreamt it all out, Nip being shot 6 times in front of the shop he established for his community, the motherfucker who shot him getting away undetected. Then I saw Malik, shot twice but dying this time, calling me for help knowing I wouldn’t make it in time. I saw Leo take a few to the chest cause he decided rollin with his brother wasn’t worth compromising for his safety. Then some motherfucker sprayed a clip down the street. Macho escaped, Leo pooled into the pavement. I think of em and how badly I wish I could piece em back together, take a chunk from my being and force it into their frail bodies. Trap life in em for even one second more, enough to spill love into em. Life damn sure ain’t grant em enough.

“Blue Laces 2” does this to me. Life does this to me. The continuous narrative of black & brown bodies hugging the concrete, becoming one with it does this to me. I’m exhausted. W/this narrative w/life w/pain. I say I know how my end looks cause all of us who come from the dirt know we’ll inevitably return soon. No matter the change we make, the lives we touch, life has a particular destiny for us. Only a matter of time before it comes to fruition. Don’t make it right or us complicit. It just is. We ain’t got no choice.

I’m done crying, gotta continue my hussle. Here’s my tribute to Nip, straight from the wells of my withered soul. Say wassup to Leo for me. Jay too. Kevin too. Dj too. Lequan too. Tyshawn too. Y’all left too soon, ain’t ever forgotten tho. Super classic forever.

feathers in the breeze

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feathers in the breeze

i was lost for a minute, tangled in the roots of a flower i didn’t want to bloom. it didn’t lack beauty or even hinder my ability to breathe, simply wasn’t me. tied my soul to the surface when it wished to soar. to frolic in the skies and crumple into a murmuration, morsels of my being bursting in different directions but remaining intact.

i wanna flow calmly into the evening, a gloss on my teeth, salivating at what’s in store. accepting anything life throws my way and adjusting in the moment, if at all. i want day drinks night games adventures mysteries. i want bar crawls sensual dances suggestive glares. i want protracted kisses in obscure bar corners. to kiss the lips of a woman whose smile is lighter than the breeze that gently carries a feather across the pavement. to sway and tremble and entangle and release myself into her as she falls into me. merges her insecurities with mine. renders them obsolete for that moment. and maybe no other. i wanna smile at her eyes with mine, relay it’s all good, i’ll see you when i see you, and believe it. i wanna hope it’s soon. i wanna accept if it isn’t. i wanna be uncertain of the next day, to be surprised by its purity its bitterness. i wanna visit countries cities towns. to fall in love with them. within them. to remember them in a vacuum. to thrust myself inside when life’s become too tense arduous real. i wanna disappear at random, only my mind to keep me company. maybe a book or film too. i wanna be alone. with nobody. everybody. i wanna be me, myself. i wanna write and sing and act and pretend and breathe and fly. i wanna live. be free. i wanna be free. yea. free.

Why you talk about it?

cause i can cause you won’t
cause I didn’t cause Ma’s busy
cause papi never cared cause there ain’t no food cause
the light got cut off again

cause the hood cause the block
cause drive-by’s cause cookouts cause stop and frisk
cause hug and kiss cause what you is cause
what you gon’ be

cause America cause Puerto Rico
cause Trump cause Maria cause black
cause white cause brown cause all cause none cause
we united but we ain’t one

cause you cause me
cause we ain’t got hope cause we dream cause they cried
cause they laughed cause he died cause
i lied

cause life cause death
cause shortie died at 19 cause that should’ve been me
cause y’all don’t give a fuck cause
i want you to see

cause fuck you cause fuck them
cause fuck me cause i’m alive cause i don’t wanna be
cause this my last breath cause
i’m done being me

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Crimson tears descended from your lips the day we met, seamlessly blending with the contents of your mug.

Would you like some, you asked.

I prefer mine with milk.

Blood is life’s milk, milk for the soul, you said pressing the mug to my lips. For a second–no, much briefer than that–I imagined it to be your lips, plump as fully ripened berries, trickling sweet nectar onto mine.

I placed my hand on the mug, tremulously inching my pinky toward yours. And what if you’ve already given me life, I asked.

Looking deeply into the chasm of my irises, you said: You’d have to have lived first. For yourself. You’d have to have lived for yourself.

I ain’t worth living for. Not today. Today, I only wanna to live for you.

Pulling the mug from my lips, you sipped the remainder of your coffee and walked out the cafe, into the rain. No goodbye. Your tears washed away by those of the sky. Your tears washed away by those of my eyes.

You.

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I thought of you the other day. Well, spoke of you. I guess the lies should stop now that I’m coming to terms with things. Now that you’ve unfurled from the attic of my psyche, damp and unwelcome. It’s not that I don’t want you. No. It simply hurts too much to be with you. That’s what Luz Emilia told me. She’s my landlady, the person who convinced me you were worth talking about. She didn’t pry or insist, it just came out of me. Some people possess that ability: seamless extraction of emotions doubts and insecurities.

What began as a conversation about travels education and life goals quickly became an abridged autobiography. We talked about Ma and Papi and how she was there and how he wasn’t. About Ma’s fists and how they greeted you more than her lips did, kissing your cheeks and forehead and arms and stomach with tremendous passion. How Papi Bucky and Dave embraced her in the same way, how it must’ve been love. How you used to hide in corners and press your ears to the wall, listening for anything, a single exhale of Ma’s frail breath to assure you of her survival. How you never talked and only listened because words meant pain and you weren’t sure you could withstand more. How, at 13, I snuck a knife into the bathroom and nearly slit our throat before Apple knocked on the door. How I didn’t die that day. How you did.

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Luz brought you back to life in a way. She told me that she imagines me being someone important, someone special one day but not before I tend to you. You, the boy who wasn’t allowed to be. You, the boy I wanted to be but couldn’t. You, the boy I was forced to deny in exchange for survival. You, the boy who dreamt of Mars and Paris and dinners with beautiful women and a million dollars so that you Nico Apple Malik and Ma could live in one home and never have to move again. You, who wished for the ability to fly, to escape to any part of this world or another without ever having to return.

I’ve since escaped the hood, the abuse, Chicago, the United States. But I can’t escape you. I’m not sure I want to. For so long, all I wanted was to breathe, to believe myself worthy of love and affection and care and happiness. But we couldn’t be happy together. The world was against us from the start. That’s undeniable. You were too quiet, too shy, too anxious, too skinny, too ugly, too weak. At least that’s what they told me.

They wanted me to despise you. And I did. Sometimes I still do. I’m embarrassed to showcase you to the world, in fear that they might see the scars I’ve left behind. That they might learn of the punches I sent your way whenever something seemed to go vaguely wrong. Of the conversations we had in front of mirrors, pretending to have a friend or lover that cared. About the cross-dressing–attempts at discovering beauty–sneaking Ma’s clothes into the bathroom for our personal enlightenment. We didn’t know what we were, but we knew we had each other. At least, I knew I had you.

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I ain’t gonna waste time calling myself unworthy, because we both know it’s true. I don’t deserve you. I thought running from our past, your past, would save me. Grant me life anew. Even if that meant losing all I knew to be true. One doesn’t have to consider the impact of pain once they’ve convinced themselves of its irrelevance. Once they believe it doesn’t exist, or ceases to exist, the pain disappears, evaporates like aged tears. Right? If that’s true, why can’t I get rid of you? Why couldn’t I?

I promise this ain’t intentional. I want you near but what am I to do when society’s in my ear, perpetuating every fear that brought us here? What am I to do with the ten years lost since I abandoned you? What am I do with the memories nightmares smiles frowns laughs cries hellos and goodbyes? I don’t wanna say goodbye no more. Would you accept hello? Would you listen to me like you did before? Would you believe me if I said I loved you? Would you believe me if I said I still do? Would you hug me if I reached out? Would you wipe away the tears resuscitated by the shame I feel for neglecting you? Would you? Can you? Please? Randy? Can you?

Please.